Audio Transcript
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 8:59 pm(Recording begins)
JEN: He’s just tweeted that he’s about to arrive. Shame we didn’t pick a time when there’s more people around. I want to capture every moment of this. I’ll be listening to this recording many times, I predict.
(Quixote bursts into the room)
QUIXOTE: Jennifer Hacki… Deanna c… jenanna…
JEN: Jennifer Cooney, dear. You seem to be in some pain… My. Is that my fault? Should I get you a doctor?
QUIXOTE: I don’t need assistance from you, Jennifer Cooney! Whomever wrote the laws of chivalry never expected someone like you to appear.
JEN: Nice Big Damn Heroes moment. Always a great trope. I was just discussing tropes with Brad here. Truly fascinating.
(Cooney fires into the air)
JEN: Everyone except the wanna-be hero and this idiot next to me, leave, or the idiot gets a third eye!
JEN: To you see what I did there, Brad honey? A third eye? Do you get it Brad? DO YOU GET IT, BRAD!?
BRAD: Yeah.
JEN: Come on hun, this is the grand finale! The final page! Can’t you be a little more dramatic?
QUIXOTE: Miss Jennifer, this is not fiction. Your life is not some grand tale that obeys certain rules of storytelling.
JEN: Isn’t that your whole gimmick? That and “protecting women from evil men”? And now, you’re protecting a man from a woman and trying to convince me of reality? Everything you’ve ever felt has been a construct. Someone puts their thoughts on paper and makes all your decisions. All of your adventures in your world, they were written. There was never a choice for you. Your destiny was nothing but a script. Entertainment for this world’s readers. A slave of the pen. What meaning is there to your existence?
QUIXOTE: I know that someone made me up. I understand it, accept it. I’m just an idea… But I am standing here now. Meaning everything I’ve felt is real. I am a man who is both fictional AND real. I am happy in either world. But you? You disdain reality, simply because your life hasn’t gone quite the way you wanted it to. You’re trying to run away, hoping you’ll end up somewhere you can control. I was wondering why I’m able to go against you, in defiance of my chivalric nature. Now I see why. You’re not a woman. You’re a child. You see yourself as this world’s hero. You would give everyone meaning, roles to play, happy endings. You have no authority to decide how the world should be, how everyone’s lives should be. You had a difficult life. You were unable to find a place for yourself, and you dealt with a truly miserable illness. But that doesn’t give you the right to kill and destroy everyone’s loved ones to make them as miserable as you! (Pause, sigh of sadness, gearing up for the finishing blow) The people of this world can be terrible. But you’re the worst of all.
JEN: I’m… the villain?
BRAD: Jen. I came here planning to kill you. But I don’t want to have to kill anyone. I don’t want anymore blood-stained hands. We can help you get better, we c-
(Cooney punches Foreman)
JEN: The villain… the Big Bad? That’s just as good! Hero? Villain? What does it matter? This all came together so perfectly! This test-run, let’s call it. Don Quixote meets Brad, brother of Tara, former friend and associate of me, and a woman my colleague is obsessed with, so much so that he has pictures on his phone of her, the phone that I have Brad make Quixote find, and teach him how to use it! The phone leads Quixote to Tripky! And then they even meet Dr. Gamble. How could something like that ever go off exactly as planned? So many variables, so much reliance on luck, and everything went exactly as it was supposed to. I must be a Chessmaster! I’m the only one qualified to run a world of fiction! I will kill both of you, and the other fictionals, and the Metaguards, and the Cabal! Then I’ll kill the man in the suit and shatter the 4th wall! Fiction will engulf this world, and I will stand above it, the last one left who knows how to control it!
(Cooney shoots Quixote in the chest)
Brad: DON!
JEN: About time. Now then. Brad. The Bad Guy Wins. Downer Ending. The last of the True Companions is about to get a third eye. I’m still very upset that Tripky couldn’t get Tara between the eyes, I could have killed all 3 of my former friends the same way. “Three Third Eyes”, it just sounds so poetic, doesn’t it? Hey, that’s another one! Rule of Thr-
(Quixote, despite being shot, tackles Jennifer, getting the gun loose.)
Quixote: Get… gun…
BRAD: I’ve got it! Don’t move Jen! Don, you-
JEN: Get off of me, old man!
QUIXOTE: Rule… of three… was it. Maybe a… third shot at me… would have… finally hit… its… mark… The tropes… worked against you in the end… The heroes… tend to win… in fiction.
BRAD: Hang in there Don! Help is coming!
JEN: I was… I was the Big Bad!
QUIXOTE: Big… Bad… Wannabe. By the way, Jennifer. In the words of one of my wise and helpful friend, Dryunya… go fuck yourself…
BRAD: Check him! Please! Is he alive!? DON!
JEN: He’s just tweeted that he’s about to arrive. Shame we didn’t pick a time when there’s more people around. I want to capture every moment of this. I’ll be listening to this recording many times, I predict.
(Quixote bursts into the room)
QUIXOTE: Jennifer Hacki… Deanna c… jenanna…
JEN: Jennifer Cooney, dear. You seem to be in some pain… My. Is that my fault? Should I get you a doctor?
QUIXOTE: I don’t need assistance from you, Jennifer Cooney! Whomever wrote the laws of chivalry never expected someone like you to appear.
JEN: Nice Big Damn Heroes moment. Always a great trope. I was just discussing tropes with Brad here. Truly fascinating.
(Cooney fires into the air)
JEN: Everyone except the wanna-be hero and this idiot next to me, leave, or the idiot gets a third eye!
JEN: To you see what I did there, Brad honey? A third eye? Do you get it Brad? DO YOU GET IT, BRAD!?
BRAD: Yeah.
JEN: Come on hun, this is the grand finale! The final page! Can’t you be a little more dramatic?
QUIXOTE: Miss Jennifer, this is not fiction. Your life is not some grand tale that obeys certain rules of storytelling.
JEN: Isn’t that your whole gimmick? That and “protecting women from evil men”? And now, you’re protecting a man from a woman and trying to convince me of reality? Everything you’ve ever felt has been a construct. Someone puts their thoughts on paper and makes all your decisions. All of your adventures in your world, they were written. There was never a choice for you. Your destiny was nothing but a script. Entertainment for this world’s readers. A slave of the pen. What meaning is there to your existence?
QUIXOTE: I know that someone made me up. I understand it, accept it. I’m just an idea… But I am standing here now. Meaning everything I’ve felt is real. I am a man who is both fictional AND real. I am happy in either world. But you? You disdain reality, simply because your life hasn’t gone quite the way you wanted it to. You’re trying to run away, hoping you’ll end up somewhere you can control. I was wondering why I’m able to go against you, in defiance of my chivalric nature. Now I see why. You’re not a woman. You’re a child. You see yourself as this world’s hero. You would give everyone meaning, roles to play, happy endings. You have no authority to decide how the world should be, how everyone’s lives should be. You had a difficult life. You were unable to find a place for yourself, and you dealt with a truly miserable illness. But that doesn’t give you the right to kill and destroy everyone’s loved ones to make them as miserable as you! (Pause, sigh of sadness, gearing up for the finishing blow) The people of this world can be terrible. But you’re the worst of all.
JEN: I’m… the villain?
BRAD: Jen. I came here planning to kill you. But I don’t want to have to kill anyone. I don’t want anymore blood-stained hands. We can help you get better, we c-
(Cooney punches Foreman)
JEN: The villain… the Big Bad? That’s just as good! Hero? Villain? What does it matter? This all came together so perfectly! This test-run, let’s call it. Don Quixote meets Brad, brother of Tara, former friend and associate of me, and a woman my colleague is obsessed with, so much so that he has pictures on his phone of her, the phone that I have Brad make Quixote find, and teach him how to use it! The phone leads Quixote to Tripky! And then they even meet Dr. Gamble. How could something like that ever go off exactly as planned? So many variables, so much reliance on luck, and everything went exactly as it was supposed to. I must be a Chessmaster! I’m the only one qualified to run a world of fiction! I will kill both of you, and the other fictionals, and the Metaguards, and the Cabal! Then I’ll kill the man in the suit and shatter the 4th wall! Fiction will engulf this world, and I will stand above it, the last one left who knows how to control it!
(Cooney shoots Quixote in the chest)
Brad: DON!
JEN: About time. Now then. Brad. The Bad Guy Wins. Downer Ending. The last of the True Companions is about to get a third eye. I’m still very upset that Tripky couldn’t get Tara between the eyes, I could have killed all 3 of my former friends the same way. “Three Third Eyes”, it just sounds so poetic, doesn’t it? Hey, that’s another one! Rule of Thr-
(Quixote, despite being shot, tackles Jennifer, getting the gun loose.)
Quixote: Get… gun…
BRAD: I’ve got it! Don’t move Jen! Don, you-
JEN: Get off of me, old man!
QUIXOTE: Rule… of three… was it. Maybe a… third shot at me… would have… finally hit… its… mark… The tropes… worked against you in the end… The heroes… tend to win… in fiction.
BRAD: Hang in there Don! Help is coming!
JEN: I was… I was the Big Bad!
QUIXOTE: Big… Bad… Wannabe. By the way, Jennifer. In the words of one of my wise and helpful friend, Dryunya… go fuck yourself…
BRAD: Check him! Please! Is he alive!? DON!
), but the quality was... objectively subpar. 
